Here is a script extract featuring the first 3 scenes of Aladdin & the Pirates. This material may not be reproduced by any means without the permission of the author.
Single spotlight on Captain Abanazer in front of tabs. He is wearing a buccaneer’s hat and steering the wheel of a ship. Thunder and lightning.
Capt. Abanazer (to audience) Ha ha ha ha ha! I am Abanazer! Evil Pirate Captain Abanazer, scourge of the High Seas and fully card carrying member of the Amalgamated Federation of Evil Panto Villains. Ha ha ha ha ha! What’s that? You’re booing already, we haven’t even started yet! Silence, you dogs! Show some respect. Some of you might recall that I used to be an evil magician, but evil magicians aren’t quite as fashionable these days, so now I am a evil pirate. Well you have to put bums on seats, don’t you? There’s no use booing me boys and girls, because the more you boo me, the more evil and powerful I become. And one day, dare I say it, I shall rule the world! Ha ha ha ha ha! But of course, to rule the world you need a lot of very clever gadgets, and the one thing I am missing is a magical lamp. When I own that magical lamp, I shall have all the riches, wealth and power I desire. I shall be invincible, unprincipled, and unsinkable! And it’s not easy to say that. But where shall I find this magical lamp, I hear you ask? I’ll look it up
(He produces an iPad and talks to it)
OK Google. (sfx pling) Where can I find “a magical lamp”?
Female Siri Voice (off) According to Wikipedia, a magical lamp is located in a dark, dank cave in a place called Pirate Island, in the middle of the Caribbean Sea.
Capt. Abanazer The Caribbean Sea?
Female Siri Voice (off) But to find the lamp, you will need help from a young boy called Aladdin… for some reason.
Capt. Abanazer Aladdin? Aladdin?? OK Google, (sfx pling) who is Aladdin?
Female Siri Voice (off) Aladdin. Title role and principal boy. Aladdin is the only son of a poor laundry owner called Widow Twankey who lives in Peking in China.
Capt. Abanazer China??
Female Siri Voice (off) Aladdin hopes to make his fortune and marry a princess.
Capt. Abanazer Mmm. Well good luck with that. (To audience) Right, I shall sail to China and search for this boy Aladdin! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Female Siri Voice (off) Would you like to know about Rockhopper Penguins?
Capt. Abanazer Begone!
Thunder and lightning. Abanazer exits. Tabs open on the market place in Peking for the opening number with chorus and dancers.
After the song all exit. Enter Widow Twankey.
Widow Twankey Oooh, I do love that song! I must download it and stick it on me smartphone. (to audience) Hello everyone! Hello boys and girls! I’m Widow Twankey. I’m a poor old widow. I said I’m a poor old widow.
(Encourages audience to say “Aaaah”)
It’s sadder than that. I’m a poor old widow.
(Encourages audience to say “Aaaah” again)
Thank you for your sympathy, boys and girls. And so spontaneous. Do you like my dress? (does a twirl) It’s a Vivienne Westwood original. As worn by Kate Moss on the cat walks of Paris. Or was it worn by a cat on the moss walks of Paris? I can’t remember. I’m very forgetful actually. Sometimes I can’t even remember my own name. So whenever you see me can you help jog my memory by shouting “Howdy Twankey!” Shall we have a little practice, boys and girls. I’ll go off and come on again.
(Twankey re-enters and practices with the audience a couple of times)
Widow Twankey Howdy kids!
Audience Howdy Twankey!
Widow Twankey Anyway, I can’t stand around here chatting all day when there’s dry cleaning to be done for the palace. Where’s my lazy assistant Wishee Washee?
Enter Wishee Washee
Wishee Washee I’m here Mrs Twankey!
Widow Twankey That’s “Ms.” if you don’t mind
Wishee Washee I’m sorry I’m a bit late for work. I was just playing my new X-Box game.
Widow Twankey X-Box game?
Wishee Washee It’s absolutely brilliant. You have to drive around Old Peking stealing people’s washing while being chased by gangsters. It’s called “Grand Theft Laundry”.
Widow Twankey Well you should be helping me to do the Emperor’s dry cleaning. And have you remembered to feed your new pet today?
Wishee Washee I can’t feed him. He’s run off again!! Isn’t that sad, boys and girls. (encourages audience to say “Aaaah”) It’s sadder than that. (Encourages audience to say “Aaaah” again)
Widow Twankey Oh shut up, we’re not doing that again.
Wishee Washee (disappointed) Oh.
Widow Twankey Run off? Run off? How can you lose a five foot tall penguin in the middle of Peking?
Wishee Washee I don’t know. One minute he was here, and the next he was gone. Have you seen him boys and girls?
Monty the Penguin appears upstage behind them. He gives a wave to the audience, then disappears again. Audience scream “behind you!”
Wishee Washee I’ve looked everywhere, (counts on his fingers) I looked in the bath, I looked in the hearth, I looked in the shrubs, I looked in the pubs, I looked in the shops, I looked in the docks, I looked in the shed, I looked under the bed.
Enter Monty upstage again. He hops around, then disappears. Audience scream “behind you!”
Widow Twankey Oh dear. Are you sure you looked in the bath?
Wishee Washee Yes! I told you! I looked in the bath, I looked in the hearth, I looked in the shrubs, I looked in the pubs, I looked in the shops, I looked in the docks, I looked in the shed. I looked under the bed.
Enter Monty again. He break dances, then disappears. Audience scream “behind you!”
Widow Twankey Are you sure you definitely (faster) looked in the bath, looked in the hearth, looked in the shrubs, looked in the pubs, looked in the shops, looked in the docks, looked in the shed and looked under the bed.
Wishee Washee Yes!
Widow Twankey One for luck…
Both (faster and with a little jogging dance) Looked in the bath, looked in the hearth, looked in the shrubs, looked in the pubs, looked in the shops, looked in the docks, looked in the shed, looked under the bed.
Enter Monty one last time. He runs towards Wishee Washey.
Wishee Washee Monty! There you are! Where were you hiding? (Wishee hugs Monty the Penguin)
Widow Twankey Did you see Monty boys and girls? (Audience scream “yes!”) Well why didn’t you tell us? Now where’s that son of mine Aladdin?
Aladdin Here I am Mother!
He runs around waving at the audience. Then takes a little bow.
Aladdin Hello! Hello boys and girls!
Window Twankey (aside to Aladdin) Alright, don’t milk it. (to audience) This is my son Aladdin, everyone. (to Aladdin) Have you come to give me a hand with the dry cleaning?
Aladdin I haven’t got time, Mother. I’m on the run. I’m being pursued by the Peking Police.
Window Twankey Pursued by the Peking Police?
Aladdin Pursued by the Peking Police.
Window Twankey The Para-Military Peking Police or the Plain Clothed Peking Police?
Window Twankey Oh?
Aladdin The Palace Patrol of the Peking Police.
Window Twankey You’re being pursued by the Palace Patrol of the Peking Police? Why?
Aladdin Well, I was passing by the palace…
Window Twankey Don’t tell me… you climbed the palace wall, to try and see Princess Eugenie again.
Aladdin I’m sorry, Mother.
Window Twankey Oh, Aladdin, you’ve been warned about stalking celebrities before.
Aladdin I know.
Window Twankey Look at all the trouble we got into when you were found hiding in Taylor Swift’s wardrobe.
Aladdin This is different, Mother. This is the real thing. This is love.
Window Twankey But Aladdin, anyone caught looking at Princess Eugenie gets thrown into the palace dungeons. And three points on their driving license.
Aladdin I’ll hide in here. Cover for me. (Aladdin jumps into a big laundry basket)
Police siren off stage. Enter Inspector Plunk and PC Plonk.
Window Twankey Can I help you gentlemen?
Inspector Plunk You are Window Twankey?
Window Twankey Charmed I’m sure.
Inspector Plunk I am Inspector Plunk.
PC Plonk Plunk.
Inspector Plunk Of the Palace Patrol of the Peking Police.
Window Twankey Can I see some ID?
Inspector Plunk (handing it over) Here.
Window Twankey (reads) Three pairs of knickers, two shirts…
Inspector Plunk Sorry, that’s my laundry list. (Snatches document back. Hands over another one). Here.
Window Twankey (reads) Three pairs of knickers, two shirts…
Inspector Plunk Sorry, I gave you my laundry list again for some reason. (hands over a different document). Here.
Window Twankey (reads) It says you’re Inspector Plunk of the Palace Patrol of the Peking Police.
Inspector Plunk That’s what I said.
Window Twankey And who is this fine looking gentleman?
Inspector Plunk This is PC Plonk.
Window Twankey So you are Inspector Plunk and PC Plonk
Inspector Plunk Yes.
Window Twankey Plunk and Plonk.
Inspector Plunk Yes.
Window Twankey What are the chances? May I introduce my assistant Wishee Washee… and his bafflingly oversized pet penguin Monty.
Inspector Plunk Well forgive me for saying this, but that is irrelevant.
Window Twankey No, it’s not an elephant. It’s a penguin.
Wishee Washee I can’t believe you did that old joke.
Window Twankey Cut me some slack, I’m still warming up.
PC Plonk We are looking for a boy named Aladdin. He was spotted gazing upon the face of the Princess Eugenie.
Inspector Plunk Without due care and attention.
Window Twankey Well, I’m sorry but I haven’t seen Aladdin for ages.
There’s a loud sneeze from inside the basket.
PC Plonk Bless you.
PC Plonk Wait a minute. Did that washing basket just sneeze?
Wishee Washee It… it… was the penguin. He’s got a bit of a cold today. Haven’t you Monty?
The Penguin sneezes.
Inspector Plunk Mmm. There’s something fishy around here.
Window Twankey You’re absolutely right, Inspector Plunk. There is something fishy.
Inspector Plunk And what, may I ask, is it?
Widow Twankey produces a huge fish from under her skirt.
Window Twankey Here Monty, catch.
She chucks the fish to the penguin who catches it and runs off.
Window Twankey (aside to audience) He dropped it last night.
Inspector Plunk I shall choose to ignore that slightly surreal moment. Widow Twankey, if Aladdin should put in an appearance at this address, you must inform me immediately.
PC Plonk Immediately.
Inspector Plunk Without delay, on pain of death.
PC Plonk Death.
Window Twankey You have my word Inspector Plunk.
Inspector Plunk Now, we must go back on patrol at the palace and help make Peking a safer place for good, honest, decent people.
Window Twankey (saluting) Be careful out there.
Inspector Plunk and PC Plonk exit. Sfx police siren.
Wishee Washee Phew! They’re gone.
Window Twankey Quick, get Aladdin out of the basket.
Wishee Washee rummages around in the basket and pulls out a few bits of dirty washing.
Wishee Washee He’s gone!
Window Twankey What??
Wishee Washee Oh no, wait, here’s here.
Aladdin gets out of the basket, holding his nose.
Window Twankey Well it looks like that’s another fine mess you’ve got your poor old widowed mother into. Why can’t you be more like our neighbour’s son Jack. He found some magic beans, climbed a beanstalk and killed a giant.
Aladdin Yes mother, but nobody likes a smarty pants. Whatever you say, nothing can stop me from trying to see Princess Eugenie. I’m going to marry her one day.
Window Twankey Marry? Are you sure? You could choose to snog or avoid.
Wishee Washee Aladdin, members of the Royal Family do not marry the sons of poor shop owners.
Window Twankey At least not unless they’ve been on Big Brother and made a few quid.
Aladdin I’ll prove you wrong, Mother. I’ll prove you wrong.
Twankey and Wishee Washee exit. Aladdin sings a love song to the princess.
At the end of the song Princess Eugenie’s young friend Beth runs on.
Aladdin Hello Beth.
Beth Aladdin! Aladdin! I have an important message for you.
Aladdin Simon Cowell liked my song?
Beth No. It’s from the palace.
Aladdin The palace?
Beth From Princess Eugenie.
Aladdin Wow! A message from the Princess.
Beth Hurry up and read it Aladdin. I think I was followed here by PC Plonk of the Palace Patrol of the Peking Police.
Aladdin (reads the message) “Dear Aladdin, there’s a party at the palace tonight, but you must stay away or you’ll be arrested. Love, Princess Eugenie.”
(To Beth) Tell the princess I’ll be there, Beth. I simply have to see her.
Beth But Aladdin! Plunk and Plonk will be at the party at the palace.
Aladdin Don’t worry Beth. I’ll go to the party at the palace in disguise.
Aladdin and Beth exit. Curtain. Enter Captain Abanazer front of tabs. Audience boo.
Capt. Abanazer Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Ah shut up! If you boo me you just make me nastier. So this is Old Peking. What a dump. It’s all full of Starbucks and charity shops full of smelly old shoes. But my evil plans are now under way. Here, I’ll show you. Boney, bring me my “Big Book of Evil Plans”.
Enter Boney Malone, a scruffy looking man in a pirate hat. He is carrying a huge book.
Boney Malone Here it is, Captain Abanazer. “The Big Book of Evil Plans”.
Capt. Abanazer Thank you Boney. This is Boney Malone, by the way, He’s the roughest, toughest pirate in the China Seas. He also got to the semi-finals of The Great Chinese Bake Off.
Boney Malone I make a lovely cream sponge.
Capt. Abanazer Open the book, Boney. Aladdin’s not far from here, so I must find a way to flush him out. (reads) “I shall get an invitation to the party at the palace, and somehow weedle my way into the affections of the Royal Family.”
Boney Malone How will you do that, Captain?
Capt. Abanazer Minor plot detail, Boney, minor plot detail. (reads) “Then I shall ask for the hand of the Emperor’s beautiful daughter Princess Eugenie.”
Boney Malone But why should the princess marry an evil old pirate like you, Captain?
Capt. Abanazer Because, my friend, I am, dare I say it, going to rule the world! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Capt. Abanazer exits.
The Palace Garden. Party guests and chorus dance and sing.
Herald Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the Royal Palace of Peking. Now, please greet your hosts for this evening the Emperor and his daughter the Princess Eugenie!
Judges entrance music from X-Factor. Enter the Emperor and Princess with her friend Beth in attendance. They are closely guarded by Inspector Plunk and PC Plonk. The royal party sit down. Plunk and Plonk fan out to search for Aladdin.
Emperor I do love a good party, don’t you, my dear? There’s going to be jellies and ice cream, and I’ve hired Lady Gaga to do some pole dancing later on.
Princess Eugenie How ordinary, father.
Emperor I only hope this little bash will help you to stop thinking about that revolting laundry boy Aladdin. How dare he come sniffing around my Royal Palace trying to get a date with you. The cheek of it.
Princess Eugenie You won’t say that when Aladdin is rich, father.
Emperor Oh, and how exactly is that scruffy young oik going to make his fortune. Has he bought a couple of tickets for the Health Lottery?
Enter PC Plonk and Inspector Plunk roughly holding Widow Twankey, Wishee Washee and Monty.
Window Twankey Howdy kids!
Audience Howdy Twankey!
PC Plonk Be quiet, madam. You are under arrest.
Window Twankey Ooooooooo. You’re very firm.
PC Plonk Sorry to interrupt Your Majesty, but I found this old woman and her “accomplices” trying to gate crash your party.
Window Twankey Ere… less of the “old”, mate.
Wishee Washee She’s spent a fortune on Botox.
PC Plonk Silence in front of your Emperor.
Window Twankey (to Plonk) Oooh, the strong arm of the law. Feel those muscles. Do you work out?
Emperor And what on earth is that?
Wishee Washee It’s my pet penguin, Your Majesty.
Emperor A penguin? But why is it so tall?
Window Twankey It’s an Emperor.
Emperor A what?
Window Twankey An Emperor Penguin.
Emperor But I’m the Emperor. I will not have two Emperors in the Emperor’s Palace.
Window Twankey How many would you like?
Princess Eugenie This old woman is Widow Twankey, Aladdin’s mother! Let go of her.
Window Twankey (to PC Plonk) I’ll give you twenty-four hours to take your hands off me.
Emperor If Aladdin’s mother is here, perhaps Aladdin himself has also managed to sneak his way into my private party.
Window Twankey Rubbish. Aladdin’s not here. He’s away.
Wishee Washee He’s abroad.
Window Twankey He’s overseas.
Wishee Washee He’s indisposed.
Window Twankey He’s offline.
Wishee Washee He’s incognito.
Window Twankey He’s on gardening leave.
Emperor Gardening leave?
Wishee Washee goes and flirts with Beth
Wishee Washee (shy whisper) Hi Beth! You’re looking very pretty this evening.
Beth (shy whisper) Hi Wishee.
Princess Eugenie (to Wishee Washee) Is it true? Is Aladdin really not here?
Wishee Washee I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.
Emperor Tell me, or I’ll throw you in the dungeon.
Wishee Washee He’s here.
Emperor I knew it!
Wishee Washee Woops!
Window Twankey Time to make a swift exit I think.
Twankey, Wishee and Monty exit, chased by guards.
Herald Ladies and gentlemen, your imperial majesty, please welcome an honored guest from across the China Seas… Captain Abanazer.
Enter Captain Abanazer and Boney Malone to a barrage of boos.
Captain Abanazer (to audience) Ah, shut up boys and girls. Sticks and stones can break my bones but boos will never hurt me!
Emperor Captain Abanazer. You are welcome in my palace.
Captain Abanazer Thank you, Your Majesty.
Boney Malone Excuse me Your Majesty, but our ship is outside parked on a double yellow line. Will it be OK there?
Emperor Not a problem. I’ve given the traffic wardens a night off.
Boney Malone Oh good.
Emperor Captain, what is the reason for your visit to Peking?
Captain Abanazer I am looking for a boy who goes by the name of… Aladdin.
Princess Eugenie Aladdin? But why are you looking for him?
Captain Abanazer Because… (to audience) and do pay attention because this is an important plot point, (to Emperor) because I am Aladdin’s long lost uncle.
All Long lost uncle?
Captain Abanazer His long lost uncle.
Emperor What an extraordinary coincidence. I’m looking for a boy called Aladdin too.
Inspector Plunk enters.
Inspector Plunk Your majesty…
Captain Abanazer Who’s this?
Emperor This is Inspector Plunk from the Palace Patrol of the Peking Police.
Captain Abanazer The Palace Patrol of the Peking Police?
Emperor Yes, well done, you said it. What do you have to report, Plunk?
Inspector Plunk Your majesty, a young boy has been spotted prowling in the Palace grounds.
Emperor Then arrest him right away!
Princess Eugenie But I love Aladdin, father. Please don’t hurt him!
Everyone chases off, leaving the princess sadly with her head in her hands. Captain Abanazer and Boney Malone move to centre stage. Boos and hisses.
Captain Abanazer Ha ha ha ha ha! I hate children. You’re such a noisy, smelly bunch. Children should be seen and never heard! Silence, you dogs!
Boney Malone Shall I make them walk the plank, Captain?
Captain Abanazer Later, Boney, later. (to audience) So, now is my chance. I’ll wait for them to find Aladdin in the palace grounds, then Boney and I will capture him from the Emperor’s guards, bundle him into our ship, sail to Pirate Island, locate the dark, dank cave and find the magical lamp. Which is hopefully not as complicated as it sounds.
Boney Malone Do you have a post code for the dark, dank cave on Pirate Island?
Captain Abanazer A post code???
Boney Malone For the SatNav, Captain. We won’t be able to find the dark, dank cave on Pirate Island without putting the post code into a SatNav.
Captain Abanazer Oh yes we will.
Boney Malone Oh no we won’t!
Captain Abanazer Oh yes we will.
Boney Malone Oh no we won’t.
Ad lib with audience.
Captain Abanazer I don’t need a SatNav, Boney. I am an evil genius. I will navigate by the stars. Like Professor Brian Cox.
Boney Malone What if it’s raining?
Captain Abanazer Oh shut up!
Abanazer takes off his hat and thumps Boney with it as they start to leave.
Captain Abanazer Just go and ready the ship to set sail you blithering idiot…
Boney Malone Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
They exit. Princess Eugenie is still sitting sadly alone upstage.
Princess Eugenie (to herself) Oh Aladdin, I do love you. If only we could live happily ever after.
There is a tapping sound at the window.
Princess Eugenie What’s that? Who’s tapping at the window? Hello? Is someone there?
Aladdin Princess Eugenie?
Princess Eugenie Aladdin?
Aladdin It’s me. I’m on the window ledge. Open the window.
She rushes to the window.
Princess Eugenie Aladdin?
Aladdin Be very, very careful when you open the window, Princess.
Princess Eugenie Why?
Aladdin Because we’re on the fifteenth floor.
Princess Eugenie Oh yes.
Aladdin And the ledge is only 3 inches wide.
Princess Eugenie Right.
Aladdin And I really don’t have a very good head for heights.
Princess Eugenie I’m coming.
She helps Aladdin in. He is dressed like a chicken.
Princess Eugenie Aladdin? Is that really you?
Aladdin Don’t you recognise me?
Princess Eugenie Why are you dressed as a chicken?
Aladdin To fool the palace guards of course.
Princess Eugenie Couldn’t you find a better disguise than that?
Aladdin It’s the only costume they had at the fancy dress shop.
Princess Eugenie And how did you get up to the fifteenth floor? (giggles) Did you fly?
Aladdin (taking off costume) I hope you’re not laughing at me Princess. I went to a lot of trouble to get here. I was chased by a fox for three miles and then a group of children tried to get me to lay an egg.
Princess Eugenie Come here and give me a hug. You made a very handsome chicken.
They hug then walk downstage, hand in hand. Tabs close behind them
Aladdin Oh Princess Eugenie. I wish we could be together forever and ever.
Aladdin and Princess Eugenie sing a romantic duet together.
After the song they embrace.
Princess Eugenie I’m so happy when I’m with you, Aladdin. There’s only one thing that could make me happier.
Aladdin What’s that, Princess Eugenie?
Princess Eugenie A ring?
Aladdin I wish I had a ring to give you.
Princess Eugenie Look! What’s that on the ground over there?
She points at something on the floor.
Aladdin I don’t believe it. (picks it up) Someone has left a beautiful old ring on the ground. My wish came true.
Princess Eugenie It’s a sign.
Aladdin But where did it come from?
Princess Eugenie It must have fallen off the finger of that sea captain Abanazer.
Aladdin Ah, Captain Abanazer. I hear he’s telling everyone he’s my long lost uncle.
Princess Eugenie How on Earth do you know about that already?
Aladdin It’s trending on Twitter.
Princess Eugenie Oh.
Aladdin But surely Mother would have mentioned it if I had an uncle. Especially if he was long lost.
Princess Eugenie He looked like a pirate to me. I don’t trust him.
Aladdin I think the ring might be a bit big for you. I’ll put it on my finger for safe keeping (he puts the ring on)
F/X: Big flash and puff of smoke. Enter the Genie of the Ring
Aladdin Uh oh.
Princess Eugenie What is that??
Aladdin I’ve seen pictures of these in story books. I think it might be a genie.
Princess Eugenie What’s a genie?
Aladdin It’s a sort of powerful spirit that grants wishes. I think some genies are friendly and some genies are mean and evil.
Princess Eugenie Well, let’s hope we’ve got a friendly one. Should we talk to it?
Genie of the Ring Um, excuse me, I am in the room, you know. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about me like I wasn’t here.
Aladdin & Princess Eugenie Sorry.
Genie of the Ring I am the… hold on, I’ve just got to adjust me turban… I am the Genie of the Ring.
Princess Eugenie You were inside this ring?
Genie of the Ring Obviously.
Princess Eugenie But it’s so small.
Genie of the Ring It’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.
Princess Eugenie I see.
Genie of the Ring (big read) “I am the Genie of the Ring
Whether you like it or not.
I’m here to make your dreams come true,
and inject a bit of pace into the plot.”
Genie of the Ring Much needed, I can assure you.
Princess Eugenie How long have you been in the ring?
Genie of the Ring I lost track of time after the dinosaurs.
Aladdin Who does the ring belong to? Who is your master?
Princess Eugenie What powers do you possess?
Genie of the Ring Oooh, questions, questions. Hold on a minute, it’s like bloomin’ “Celebrity Pointless” in here.
Aladdin Tell us.
Genie of the Ring Basically whoever has the ring on their finger can command me to do anything they want.
Aladdin What, like magic?
Genie of the Ring Of course like magic. I’m a magic genie. What do you think all the smoke and special effects was about?
Aladdin So anything I ask for, you can produce?
Genie of the Ring (to Princess) He’s a bit slow of thinking this one. Where did you find him, under a rock? (to Aladdin) Yes, anything you ask, I can produce. But you can only have one wish per day. And you’ve already used it up today.
Princess Eugenie How?
Aladdin I wished for a ring.
Genie of the Ring Right! You’re catching on fast, son. See you later!
F/X: Big flash and puff of smoke. The Genie of the Ring exits. Tabs open for…
Twankey’s Dry Cleaning Shop. Enter Window Twankey, Wishee Washee and Monty the Penguin who wheels on a long rack of assorted clothes on hangers.
Widow Twankey Howdy kids!
Audience Howdy Twankey!
Widow Twankey Right, time to sort out the dry cleaning for delivery back the Royal Palace. I’ve got the tickets here. I’ll shout out what’s on the ticket, and Wishee and Monty, you go and get the clothes from the rack and put them in a big pile over here.
Wishee Washee How will we know which is which?
Widow Twankey I’ll shout out the names of the clothes and their colours, and you grab them off the hangers. What could possibly go wrong?
Wishee Washee OK, we’re ready. Fire away.
Twankey starts flicking through the tickets.
Widow Twankey First ticket. Baroness Brown’s Buff & Blue Ball Gown.
Monty runs up and down the row of hangers looking for it. Before he can find it, Twankey reads out the next couple of tickets.
Widow Twankey The Viscount’s Vanilla and Violet Vest and the Kaiser’s Kenyan Copper and Khaki Trousers…
Monty begins to pile up the clothes in Wishee’s arms. The pile gets bigger and bigger.
Widow Twankey Next up…
Wishee Washee Hold on a minute, slow down. Baroness Brown’s Buff & Blue Ball Gown, the Viscount’s Vanilla and Violet Vest, and the Kaiser’s Kenyan Copper and Khaki Trousers.
Widow Twankey That’s not the Kaiser’s Kenyan Copper and Khaki Trousers.
Wishee Washee Isn’t it?
Widow Twankey No! That’s the Sultan’s Tangerine and Terra Cotta Tail Coat.
Monty runs back to the clothes rail in a panic.
Wishee Washee I thought this was the Sultan’s Tangerine and Terra Cotta Tail Coat.
Widow Twankey No. That’s the Archduke’s Zoot Suit.
Wishee Washee The Archduke’s Zoot Suit?
Widow Twankey The Archduke’s Zoot Suit.
Wishee Washee Well what are these?
Widow Twankey That’s the Caliph’s Crimson & Coral Kaftan and Countess Louise’s Turquoise Chemise,
Wishee Washee Right.
Widow Twankey And her denim dungarees.
Wishee Washee Oh.
Widow Twankey Never mind that now. Have you seen the Prince of the Bahamas’ Pink Pyjamas?
Wishee Washee I don’t think so. What about this?
Widow Twankey Oooh, be very careful with that. That’s the Emperor’s Rotund Red Cummerbund.
Wishee Washee What’s a Rotund Red Cummerbund?
Widow Twankey I have absolutely no idea. Sounds like it keeps his big fat tummy tucked.
Monty piles more and more clothes onto Wishee.
Wishee Washee So, let’s see if I’ve got everything now. The Viscount’s Vanilla and Violet Vest, the Kaiser’s Kenyan Copper and Khaki Trousers, Baroness Brown’s Buff & Blue Ball Gown, the Viscount’s Vanilla and Violet Vest, the Kaiser’s Kenyan Copper and Khaki Trousers, the Sultan’s Tangerine and Terra Cotta Tail Coat, the Archduke’s Zoot Suit, the Caliph’s Crimson & Coral Kaftan, Countess Louise’s Turquoise Chemise – and her denim dungarees, the Prince of the Bahamas’ Pink Pyjamas and the Emperor’s Rotund Red Cummerbund.
Widow Twankey Yes, well done Wishee and Monty. I think that’s everything. That deserves a little round of applause don’t you think, boys and girls?
Wishee Washee I thank you.
Monty takes a bow.
Widow Twankey Stick a cabbage on top of that lot and it’ll be just like Crackerjack.
Older members of audience probably shout back “Crackerjack”.
Widow Twankey I said, stick a cabbage on top of that lot and it’ll be just like Crackerjack.
Audience shout “Crackerjack” again.
Widow Twankey One for the oldies, there. Ooh, and there’s just one more thing.
Wishee Washee What’s that?
Widow Twankey The Russian Tsar’s Bizarre Bra.
Wishee Washee The Russian Tsar’s Bizarre Bra?
Wishee Washee runs and grabs a huge bra off the clothes rail and holds it up.
Wishee Washee I wondered who this belonged to.
Widow Twankey He only wears it at weekends.
Window Twankey, Wishee Washee & Monty the Penguin perform a comedy song together.